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Square Peg in a Round Hole

The Square peg in a round Hole.
This is about being happy...and choosing to not be depressed..or rather when people tell you to chose happiness.

If you have not lived as, or with a person who is “chemically diverse” in the brain. (  a person who deals with depression, ADD, anxiety, OCD, Bi Polar etc) then you have no clue about what choice really is.

Generally society says a person “suffers” from mental illness…but are they suffering? Maybe they are accepting and willing to live with their chemical diversity.

Suffering only happens when the chemical diversity negatively impacts their life, and causes them unhappiness, or makes just living day to day a struggle. And in my experience, the deeper the suffering due to chemical diversity is in direct proportion of how much the people around us tell us we need to “fix” ourselves and our chemistry diversity.

I am chemically diverse. I fight with anxiety and depression ALL THE TIME. I have ADHD and seasonal depression and a side order of general anxiety just to make it interesting.

It really ticks me off when people suggest “snapping out of it” or that just choosing to not be down, anxious, or depressed is an option. It pisses me off that people don’t truly understand ADHD and use it as an excuse or for attention when they really don’t have it, say it is fake, or accuse Adults of pretending just to get medications to help fight the negative effects of living with ADHD, accusing them of getting high or addicted to prescribed medications.

The state our brain chemistry leads chemically diverse people toward is not a choice.To suggest it is a choice in a negative way, suggests it is the WRONG choice.

I am not WRONG for being who I was born as. I am not WRONG for having a brain and body who’s chemical processing is in a smaller percentage than the chemically typical majority of society.

I live “outside the box” mostly because I’ll never fit inside the walls of that box due to the rules society say need to be adhered to to be in that box. Society has “put me on the outside of the box” with expectations and labels.

They say you can’t fit a square peg in a round hole… well actually, you can….I watched a woodworking show on PBS last week and watched the guy take a large square piece of wood, and shave off the sides and hammer it through a round peg mold to make it fit through.

He had to totally change what it was, and hammer it in there hard over and over to make it fit, but he did it. By the time he was done, it didn’t even look like the  square peg anymore, and you’d never know it if you didn’t see the show, and was only shown the round peg at the end of the process.

I say this because I refuse to be completely modified to fit in any category that society says i NEED to, or SHOULD want to fit in. I’m not changing to make society more comfortable.

Any behaviour modification, or chemical shifts I do is for ME… it is my CHOICE. but it doesn’t stop me from still being chemically diverse. If I chose to modify my natural tendencies behaviour wise, it does not mean I am “fixed” or “better” I’m just operating with filters. If I chose take medications to make my chemistry different, it does not mean, I’m no longer chemically diverse. If i remove the medications, I’m still as I was before, the medication just aids me in my choice to fight the diversity.

I chose daily to fight my brain chemistry in order to operate in a world that says I need to notice time passage, and social rules, and in order to care for and live with other people. If it were up to my brain, I’d live alone, without a clock, and simply let my diverse brain rule my world. OF course I’d have to be a hermit and recluse since the anxious part of me would never want to go shopping, or talk to other people.

Some days the chemistry wins over my fighting it, because somedays I’m just to mentally tired to overcome the pull my brain chemistry has.

Some days my brain chemistry says, “we’re going to activate your artistic tendencies today..there’s no room for anything else”, or ” I don’t care if your medically altering my chemistry, I just lowered your estrogen levels, it’s PMS time Bitch.. You’re mine for the next five days!”

Sometimes outside environmental factors help me fight, and sometimes they seem to be on the side of the brain chemistry and make my fight harder.

I stumble and fall, but I never fully give in to the state my brain chemistry seems I’d rather be in constantly.

That’s the choice I make. but make NO mistake, it is not a choice to just ” NOT be depressed” or a choice to ” just be happy”

I think society thinks some people are more “comfortable” with what we see as misery, simply because it’s familiar, and does not require a constant choice to fight it.That’s not misery, that’s momentum.

For me misery is  fighting that momentum. Misery is making the contant choice to not just give in to my natural chemistry, to constantly question myself, and push myself, to check my actions, and reactions, and hear the feedback of those around me.

Misery is NOT having it as easy as just saying. ok.. fuck this shit, I want a new brain chemistry, let’s schedule a brain transplant. or saying forget this crap. I’ll just go with the momentum.

It’s tiring being at war with your own body chemistry all the time.

I’m always anxious, worried, sad to a level, deep inside, it is how my brain operates, but I chose to smile and laugh and seek joy, and happiness as much as I can to show my brain chemistry that it does not have complete control over me. That i can change the momentum.

I have no choice with regard to how my body functions “as is”, but I have a choice in how I “pimp my ride” and make the trip called life more enjoyable and comfortable, since I’m stuck with this particular vehicle.

So, if I appear happy to you… it is nothing more than my ability to shape shift to be a round peg  and fit through the round hole, while still remaining the square peg I am, always was, and always will be.

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